Have you ever said to someone when they’re feeling down or upset “it’s okay, it’ll all work out”, or perhaps started your sentence with “At least…”?
Or perhaps other people have used similar phrases with you?
If you’ve just lost a job you love and someone says “at least you got a good payout.”
If your long-term relationship is failing and someone says “there’s plenty more fish in the sea.”
Usually it’s intended as being supportive.
But to the recipient, it could feel dismissive, perhaps even be an indication of wilful blindness. Brené Brown also associates it with lacking empathy.
And it has a name: toxic positivity.
When we are struggling, feeling down or overwhelmed, or going through a tough situation, sometimes, more often than not, all we need is someone to just listen, acknowledge how 💩 that is, that they are sorry we are going through that, and asking us what, if anything, we need.
In my experience, often the last thing we need is to be flippantly told “chin up, it’ll be okay in the end” or “smile!”. Even with good intent.
Part of being able to develop good, trusting connection with others hinges on our ability to ‘read the room’, by developing our awareness of others, as well as our awareness of how we are feeling and choosing to respond, given the context.
Notice if someone is quieter than normal, or their body language is very closed, they look really tired, or are uncharacteristically short and sharp in their responses.
Get curious. Be discreet. Care.
By simply acknowledging their sadness, worry or fears, you are validating that it’s okay to feel that way, that you see them, that it isn’t your situation to change or solve, that you are there for support, if needed, and you have their back.
Rather than dismissively encouraging them to smile through it, which can feel pressured and lead to isolation, suppression, guilt or shame, this acknowledgement will help them to feel included, accepted, and to process and cope with what they’re going through in a more healthy way.
“Treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself” is generally a trusty guideline in these sorts of situations.
Wishing you a day of feeling what you need to feel.
