Have you ever been the one to watch a group of your teammates head off to lunch together without inviting you to join them?
Or perhaps they sniggered and rolled their eyes when you shared an off-the-wall idea for solving a problem?
Or maybe you’ve stayed silent so as not to go against the grain and risk retaliation after the last time you got dressed down for disagreeing?
These sorts of experiences can leave us feeling rejected and deeply wounded. And we can go into a spiral of thinking there’s something wrong with us, something that’s not quite good enough.
And so we may start to shape-shift, to put on a mask, to be something we’re not.
We’ll go out of our way to agree with others, even when we don’t, or laugh even when something isn’t funny, or we’ll go passive so we don’t rock the boat, or withhold our disagreement for fear of offending or antagonising.
We’ll please whoever it takes to avoid rejection by the group.
Because our need to belong can be just too strong.
But here’s the downside.
By burying who we really are we throw our integrity and courageous authenticity out of the window.
Furthermore, it becomes really stressful, and fuels anxiety and exhaustion, constantly playing the role of someone we aren’t.
It robs us of real connection.
And we risk burnout.
It’s a high cost.
As André Gide wrote, “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” Kurt Cobain agreed.
If you’re in a leadership position, it’s especially important to be able to build real, heart-based connections and strong, trusting relationships across the organisation and beyond, as yourself. Because you need those people on your side, supporting you to achieve the goals, vision and purpose of the organisation.
Perhaps you recognise yourself as putting on a front, playing a role, not being your true self, hiding in passivity when really you just want to shout out your brilliant idea, or staying silent instead of disagreeing, speaking up and holding accountability.
If so, and you’ve had enough, reach out, and together let’s see how we can lead you back to you.
